A Gay in the Life of The Out Activist

This inspiring story comes to us from Bridget, in West Virginia. Bridget also calls herself The Out Activist, and uses the following as an introduction to her own blog. You can check it out by typing "The Out Activist" into your Facebook search bar.

I never intended to be an activist. I never intended to be gay. Now following up those statements, I think I should explain who I am and how I ended up here.

My name is Bridget. I am 33 years old, married (I use the term loosely and I will explain later), and have two children. I am a white, middle-class, Republican, Christian American living in the coal mining foothills of southern West Virginia. Oh yeah, and I am gay.

West Virginia is a Democratic state by nature. We have the oldest average age of residents in the US. Older than Florida. We have a population of less than 2 million and one of the lowest crime rates. Almost 75% of our state is covered by forest. That probably has something to do with that crime rate fact. 95% of the population is white. 65% of the residents are Protestant, 77% Christian. West Virginia is considered the southern most northern state and the northern most southern state. See, even my state is confused about its identity. These may seem like trivial facts but until eight years ago the most un-normal or out of line thing I did was vote Republican. Then along came a woman. Isn't that how all the good stories start?

I had lived the first 25 years of my life straight. Never even thought twice about it. I don't have some grand coming out story. I wasn't tortured in high school. My parents didn't disown me as a gay teenager. I had never really even thought about the gay community. There certainly are gay people in West Virginia but we don't seem to be as out here as other states. I met Nova, another straight chick, at work one day. I don't know if you can call it love at first sight but it seemed pretty damn close. Within one month we had gently removed the men from out of lives and were dating each other exclusively. Within two months we lived together. Yes, I know that sounds cliché lesbian but that was almost eight years ago and we are still kicking. During that dating time, we experienced hatred. We had our cars keyed, received hate mail, packages on our door step, threatening phone calls, and I even attribute the loss of a job to it. I unfortunately wasn't taking these experiences as a gay education. See, I considered myself an educated person already. I considered my family and friends to be educated as well. I thought these were just small town redneck moments. I didn't realize the prevalence of the hate. I didn't even realize I was about to get a real life education.

In 2004, I came across a website looking for couples to have a holy union ceremony as part of a gay pride event. Nova and I had been together two years. It seemed like it would be a nice display of love to one another. It was about to become a display of love to the country. I think the lack of legal marriage is cheapening the idea of commitment ceremonies. They are everywhere now. That wasn't the case in 2004. This pride event wanted to make a statement. They wanted a couple to show off and parade around. Several couples had stepped up but as the event drew near, fear kicked in, couples dropped out. Last man standing, we ended up becoming the defending voice of gay marriage at that event.

I don't consider protestors romantic. I wanted to hear piano music as I walked down the aisle. I heard banging. I wanted my family standing there for me. I had police officers trying to keep the doors from swinging open at the hands of protestors. I wanted friends taking my picture. I had news cameras. I wanted friends throwing rice. I had hundreds, maybe a thousand welcoming me as an angry mob with signs and shouts. That's the day I met Fred Phelps. If you don't know the name Google it.

In my small town this would have made national news. We weren't in West Virginia. This wasn't a small town. I didn't realize why this was news. People wanted to interview us. We weren't famous. I didn't think we were important. People have weddings every day. Why do I need to go on TV to explain this? I stood in front of the tv cameras. Don't let the emotions over run this. This is not personal. This people spewing hatred do not know me. I am a Christian. They are holding that same Bible I read. Those words aren't in it. Control the anger. Control the tears. I had read the Constitution. I am not breaking any grand law of the land standing here holding the hand of someone I love. Then come the questions. The interviewer wants to provoke me. It makes good ratings. They want a shouting match. What do I do? I defend the protestors. I defend their right to freedom of speech. The whole time I was looking past the camera, through the glass doors that silenced the roar, and right into the face of Fred Phelps. I went on to explain that I was using my freedom of speech and I thought that they should be able to as well. I watched myself on TV that night from our hotel room. Apparently, I was not the only one. The next day strangers came up to me on the street. They thanked me. I showed a rational point of view. I did later come to find out that it wasn't always the case in our community. I discovered that I had a voice. I had a voice and it could have power.

The problem with having a voice is that others can hear it. Excited by what I thought was my 15 minutes of fame, I searched our names on the internet when we returned home. I found us. I even found us on anti-gay websites. When your words are public it gives people the ability to play with them. Words can be twisted. I see it everyday as a gay Christian. The words that I use to love someone are used to hate me. Can I let twisted words be my legacy? Do I really let it end there? There are gay activists out there. There isn't a need for me. Small town kid or some old white guy in a $1000 suit? I am not the face of gay America, or am I?

Life goes on. The moment in the spot light fades. "Real life" kicks in. Normal married life. Well that requires paperwork. Little things kept popping up. Things don't seem this hard for straight couples. Extra effort and phone calls for insurance. Funny looks from the landlord. Tax time is a pain in the ass. Then bigger things starting happening. One of the boys got hurt at a playground. He was bleeding badly. I could see the hospital. Seemed like an easy choice. Stop for a second and take these emotions in. I stood in the E.R. holding a bleeding child who was just denied care because I wasn't his "real" mom. Raising a kid, changing diapers, kissing boo boos, midnight feedings, birthday parties, Christmas morning, and tucking him in a night does not make you a real mom. A piece of paper does. A crack addict, who abandons their kid has more rights than I did. Now I have to make a phone call to the real mom. I broke him but I can't fix him. "Real" mom is a hour away at work. My head was spinning. Maybe it was the room. I was shaking. Bleeding child in one hand. Cell phone in the other. Tears running down my cheek. How can I comfort a crying child? I could not comfort myself. I did feel a sense of relief when I knocked on the triage nurse's window, handed her my cell phone and explained that it was for her. I don't remember the words that were said. I heard them. Hell, I heard them through the glass window, I just don't remember. I do remember that the door opened and they fixed the boo boo. I also remember that I had just been shown my place in the world. I was just the other gay parent. That is equal to being a roommate.

I don't want to say that it is unfortunate but I also cannot say that I am grateful. This is my path in life. I was reminded more than once that I am just a roommate. My wife isn't in the best of health. When you are sick, when you are scared you need your family by your side. Family. Seems like an easy concept but that was another day that I was shown just how powerful a piece of paper can be. A piece of paper that I didn't have. Family only in the room. Roommates are not family. Next of kin? Mother. A mother several states away. A mother that she didn't speak to. A mother that didn't know her medical history. A mother who wouldn't even waste a drive to see her daughter even if it might be the last time. I saw the wrong side of closed hospital doors too many times. I cried alone in hospital hallways too many times.

I am smart. I am educated (those are two different things). Why didn't I know about the problems that faced a gay couple? I shared my experiences with my friends and family. They are also educated, smart people. They happen to be straight. They didn't believe what problems I faced. A lot of people, myself included at that time, thought that gay activist were fighting for special rights. I don't believe that the gay community needs special rights. What I realized was that we were fighting for equal rights. I didn't know this was a fight that I needed to be in. Neither did my friends. You can't fix a problem if you don't even know that it is there. Now I want people to know there is a problem. I want to be part of that solution. I want my friends and family to be part of that solution. I want complete strangers to be a part of that solution.

For years now I have been posting stuff on Facebook, Myspace, Twitter, whatever blog of the day about gay rights. I just want people to know. I call my congressman. I call my President. Hell, I've tried to call the presidents of other countries too. I send emails. I forward stories. I now have those oh so important pieces of paper. I have a bunch of them. Hospital doors are no longer closed in my face. I want to help others with those same steps. It loses its sincerity when you see a post that I just received an email from the President and the next post is that I leveled up on Farmville. I never had the time to devote to a page just for LGBT stuff. God fixed that for me. I recently was hurt. It was bad enough that my body wasn't able to work. That didn't do much for my mind. Sitting at home with a TV remote, a dog, and a bottle of pain pills didn't occupy the hours between doctor appointments. So here I am. I can't promise that once the doctors fix whatever bone I broke or muscle I tore that I will be able to post 20 times a day. But I do promise that I will not stop fighting. I will not stop being that rational voice. I found my voice. I will use it to speak up for those who can't speak up for themselves. I just ask that you take that journey with me.

-Bridget

Thanks Bridget! If anyone else would like to participate in the Gay in the Life Project, email your story to gay.in.the.life@gmail.com, along with your first name or pen name, age, location, and/or any other information that you’d like posted to introduce yourself. All contact information will remain private and confidential.

A Gay in the Life of a Blogger

Who I am and why I'm doing this.

Two weeks ago I posted my first blog entry, a request for readers to submit their personal reflections on what it’s like to be gay (or lesbian or bi or trans or questioning) and on whether there’s anything else they use to define themselves besides their sexual orientation. Despite my efforts to promote the Gay in the Life Project on Facebook and Twitter, I haven’t received any submissions. But I haven’t given up, since despite the lack of submissions, I do have one story to post, and that’s my own. I hope more will follow.

As a college student at a liberal New England university, I’ve been told over and over to find my voice, to express myself, and to make a difference in the world. For someone who arrived freshman year still in the closet, this was easier said than done. But my story is not a coming out story. I mean, I did come out soon after getting to college, and that was significant in itself, but it’s what followed coming out that was the best part: being able to speak openly, finding that voice I’d heard so much about.

I don’t know if it’s this way for everyone before they come out, but being in the closet made me feel like I was between two places, but not really in either one. I felt isolated from my family and my friends, gay and straight, because of that lack of honesty, and I felt like I was missing out on the things that out gays got to do that I couldn’t, or wouldn’t let myself.

So when I came out, it was like I finally got where I was supposed to be. I could be honest and frank about who I was with all my loved ones, and I got the opportunity to make a host of new friends on new terms. That to me was the best result of coming out: the sense of belonging to a new community, being a part of its heritage, pride, and even struggles. I’d obsessed over being gay long enough, but now I could exert that energy more positively since I was part of something bigger. How fortunate that I came out in college, where there is no shortage of opportunities to get involved with service and activism.

And if college is a great place to be gay, then the new millennium is a great time to be gay. I know today’s world is pretty crazy and that it seems pretty bleak with the economy tanking, the ozone layer shrinking, and a bunch of people with bombs trying to beat each other to the punch, but for some reason all the talk about the Good Old Days when America was on top and everybody had a job just doesn’t jive with me. After all, those were also the days in which separating your colors from your whites was more than just good laundry advice. Back then, homosexuality was barely talked about except as a joke, and gays themselves were forced to lives of fear and depression in their closets.

Today, you can do things like join a gay social network or talk openly about your feelings. Hell, you can even start a gay blog for crying out loud! But for all this openness, there’s still a great deal to be done, and I’m not just talking politically. The stereotypes and prejudices are still out there, but the more we examine them the better we can resolve them. Furthermore, the taboos surrounding LGBTQ issues still mean you can’t always express yourself as openly as you’d like, or that you’re still painted in a certain way that you might not agree with.

These are all things that I honestly feel about the LGBTQ community in our time, and that’s what led me to start this blog. Let’s share our stories as LGBTQ people and put human faces to the labels. If people fixate on your being gay, tell us who else you are. Or maybe you can’t always express your orientation as you’d like to. In that case, tell us what it’s like to be in that situation and how being gay affects you. Be honest, be frank, be you. I feel that we only stand to gain from this. In addition to showing the world who we are, we may discover things about ourselves by reading the stories of others and hearing what they have to say about ours. Each one of us has a story worth sharing, so let’s begin today.

If you would like to participate in the Gay in the Life Project, email your to gay.in.the.life@gmail.com, along with your fist name or pen name, age, location, and/or any other information that you’d like posted to introduce yourself. Include a title that begins, "A Gay (Lesbian, Bi, Trans, Questioning) in the Life of..." All contact information will remain private and confidential.

Welcome to the Gay in the Life Project

As a gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered, or questioning person, do you ever feel that those around you get hung up on the stereotypes surrounding your social group and miss all of the other unique qualities that make you who you are? You’re not alone.

Or maybe you feel that people tend to ignore that part of your life, perhaps because it makes them uncomfortable, and to undermine how important it is to you and how it has shaped you. Again, you’re not the only one.

I know that many members of the LGBTQ community feel this way, and I’m fascinated by the way that society at large can look at us and either fixate on our sexuality or ignore it completely. Either way, they miss out on huge parts of who we are as individuals, without giving us a chance to decide how we want to be seen and to express what we consider important about ourselves. Well here, you can.

I invite you to participate in the Gay in the Life Project, a new forum where LGBTQ individuals can share what makes their experience in society unique. You can be one of the first to take part by emailing me your story as a gay (or lesbian or bisexual or transgendered or questioning) person in the world. I’ll post stories I receive on this blog, created solely for the purpose of sharing them, so that readers can get a glimpse of how being gay affects your daily life in any of the roles that you play.

Gay in the Life of a Football Captain? Lesbian in the Life of a Head Cheerleader? Bisexual in the Life of a Single Parent? Tansperson in the Life of a Teacher? Questioning in the Life of a Husband?

Or maybe it’s more abstract: Gay in the Life of a Computer Nerd? A Hopeless Romantic? A Rural Nebraskan?

Whatever your story is, it’s worth sharing. Maybe being gay has given you a totally unique take on the world, and that’s valuable in itself. But more likely, you’re not the only one who’s had this kind of experience. Others share the same worries and frustrations. Maybe your story will give them hope, or maybe they can offer you the comfort and support you need. What have you got to lose?

So email me your story now at gay.in.the.life@gmail.com. Give it a title like the ones above, and include your first name or the name you wish to be posted under, your age, location, and anything else you’d like me to include by way of introduction. Identities and contact information will be totally confidential. Your stories can be as long or as short as you need them to be. Just say what you need to say! My goal is to collect stories and begin posting them by late May or early June, so stay tuned and thank you for helping to get this exciting project off the ground!