Victoria S.
Age 13
Central Missouri
I was never “supposed to be” gay, or even questioning, for that matter. There is a very profound rule in my town and the surrounding area. You are basically supposed to go to high school, state or community college, get a job, get married, work, get old, and die.
At the age of only 9, 10 or 11, I knew I was different. Things were going really well for me at the time. I had just been accepted into the gifted program at school, and had a “boyfriend”- you know how elementary school “relationships” go. One thing that hit me, after about a week, I would have to force myself to have feelings for a guy.
No one I knew was having that problem, or at least didn’t say anything about it. Through the rest of 4th and 5th grade, I just thought I hadn’t met someone I truly liked yet- but as it turns out, I was looking in all the wrong places.
What seriously hit home for me was at a sleepover. I was sleeping at my best friend’s house, like I did almost every weekend. She, her younger sister, and I were sitting on the bed, and I, well, felt something that I would later realize was attraction. We would jump around, and when my friend would jokingly get close to me, I was attracted. However, I was very ashamed, although I would just smile to myself every time she got closer to me.
Later that night, in an odd game of spin the bottle, I had my first kiss- with a girl. And I liked it. I liked it more than I would admit to myself. It was then that I knew something was VERY different about me.
I discovered my brother’s secret [that he is gay] when I was very young, and had an interest in gay rights, and gay people in general. I never viewed homosexuality as wrong in anyway. It was simply love- and love is good, or so I tried to believe as I came out as bisexual.
When I initially came out, so many girls identified as “bi” that I wasn’t taken seriously at first, even by some of my friends. Even then, I soon became one of the poster children for the LGBT community in our town. There are four to five openly gay kids and our town, and I’ve already explained the sort of fad that the word “bi” represented at the time, and I know each and every one of them, being really good friends with most of my town’s LGBT citizens.
Even then, though, a growing monster was threatening to tear me apart. I was cutting myself because I was so hurt, and as I even started my first relationship with a girl earlier this year, I felt I was wrong. I had internalized homophobia.
This led me to nearly attempt suicide. I was this close to making an attempt on my life. I absolutely HAD to talk to someone about this.
When I was beginning to think I could turn to one of my old friends, who at one time I almost dated, I sent her a message over Facebook. At the time, I was living with my brother and sister-in-law, and my sister-in-law went through the messages I had sent to my old friend and my friend Sam, who was rumored to be my girlfriend.
They set me down, explaining that it wasn’t right and I shouldn’t be worried about that “stuff” yet. My brother sort of defended me, but they expressed their feelings of my (at that time) bisexuality very clearly. If I wanted to live like that, they said, then I could go back to my parents’ house.
That debate split my family beyond repair, and my first real run-in with homophobia still comes back to me every single moment that I have free-time to think.
Soon after I lost contact with my brother and sister-in-law, I developed an unrequited crush on one of my close friends, and we still talk to this day. I haven’t lost any real friends because of their attitudes toward homosexuality, but for a while, I had lost two siblings. Although I have them back, I know nothing can be the same between them and my parents.
I just try to live day-by-day, dealing with my internalized homophobia as it presents itself, and even though I’m not perfect, I know that God makes no mistakes. I believe that I was made to be different, and will live as God intended me to.
“Why would God make us so different if he wanted us all to be the same?”- SAVED! The movie
“Burst down those closet doors once and for all, and stand up and start to fight!"- Harvey Milk
If you would like to participate in the Gay in the Life Project, email your story to gay.in.the.life@gmail.com, along with your first name or pen name, age, location, and/or any other information that you’d like posted to introduce yourself. All contact information will remain private and confidential.
Showing posts with label travel. Show all posts
Showing posts with label travel. Show all posts
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Friday, October 15, 2010
My Being Gay in Life
This week we have another amazing story. I'm really excited about this one because it shows just how much one active person can cram into a lifetime. This contributor also included some photos. Don't feel pressured to do the same in your posts, but if you want to, they are definitely a welcome addition!
I was born, 1952, to an average military family, Dad was Commander for Travis AFB. He died before I was born. Raised with just Mom and two older brothers. I knew I was different from them, but HOW different, not until much later in life. But, I was different, not the typical kid. While my brothers liked Basketball, I like Bicycles. When they liked Football, I liked Frisbee. When they liked Baseball, I liked skateboards. I loved the ocean, my family preferred skiing and mountains. At six, I also knew I liked boys, they liked girls. But I never manifested any of this openly. I grew up, was a good student, focused on college and a real professional job. I wanted to be an Oceanographer and Jacques Cousteau was my childhood hero. I graduated high school an average unobtrusive kid. Never got really bullied. Being the "non-athlete" I did get the usual as I was more the nerdish kid. But I KNEW I would be better than them for my brains so I ignored it. I went to University, U.C. Berkeley and got my degrees in Geology, Paleontology and Biology. I was so focused on school, I actually didn't pay attention to my primal drives. During this time, I did design, build and sail a 14 foot catamaran.
I graduated in 1975, on Dean's List, moved to Sacramento and started working on a teaching credential. I dropped that as the political climate and the environment for teachers in general was not as it was when I was a kid. But this was when I released my inner Gay. I went out, danced and then in December 1976, met my first love, my partner today of 33 years. We moved in together and in 1978, Mother's Day, we invited my mother and her boyfriend during all my childhood, to dinner at our house. This coming out was too much for them and I was soon "banished " from the family. Soon my next older brother would lose interest in Fraternal bonds. With that, my connections to family were gone. And that decision on my mother and his boyfriend's parts forever severed any interaction they would have with my future life's accomplishments. I felt it would be their loss, not mine. They said I would never amount to anything because I was gay. I confidently knew otherwise.
In 1980, I got my first real professional job as an engineer, soon working on developing Geothermal and natural gas resources for a state agency. I established a new royalty collection formula for the state which would net millions of dollars in natural gas well leases. I also came out to several good close coworkers with no repercussions on my working environment. I had a couple closet homophobes, but my work supporters put them in their place. They told me about this later. We all laughed.
During those first six months, I worked in Los Angeles and started hearing about "Gay Related Infectious Diseases or "GRID" for short. That soon morphed into AIDS. When I transferred to Sacramento, where my partner was living in our house, we attended the FIRST open medical conference on GRID/AIDS in Sacramento and immediately saw the gravity of this new illness. We both quickly got involved in the first Sacramento AIDS Foundation, my partner beginning the first group of patient counselors in Spring 1982. I was to go the second wave, but worked in a fund raising capacity. We worked with Shanti Project out of San Francisco, including Cleve Jones and others. Simultaneously with this activity, I began organizing the FIRST EVER AIDS bicycle fundraiser in the nation. This was in winter of 1982 and funding was not available for AIDS issues. I thought this ride would serve two purposes; raise money for AIDS services in Sacramento, and, the route being from Sacramento to San Francisco, make a statement of "bond" between our two cities. I got good support from fellow volunteers, but luke warm support from the Foundation Board. They were after bigger fish to fry like county funds. I was undeterred and by August 20, 1983, hosted and led the first ever AIDS fundraiser bike ride in California and the Nation. Three riders rode the Castro to Castro ride from Castro Way, Sacramento to go to the Castro Street Fair in San Francisco and a 4th rider, my partner, did a local 40 mile out and back ride. Only I made it to San Francisco. The two women who accompanied me, unfortunately suffered knee problems and had to turn back about 70 miles into the ride. Two days and 175 miles later, I arrived to 17,000 Castro Street Fair goers and my partner waiting for me in San Francisco with 4500 dollars in pledges to my name. The first AIDS bike ride was completed. History was made. We did volunteer work for the Foundation for several years. I also was involved in founding the first Lambda Community Center Gay, a community services center, in downtown. In 1986, I participated in Gay Games 2 in San Francisco. I managed to get silver in Triathlon. Also, during this time, I was building lutes and guitars and playing performances and was getting some local notoriety on TV for my art, being featured on our PBS station in a 20 minute segment on my skills. In a couple of years, I started gaining interest in antique bicycles and collecting and restoring them. Soon, TV was featuring me on this interest also. Within 5 years of collecting, 1988, I was featured in the first ever bicycle exhibit at the Sacramento History Center. The exhibit showcased 35 of my antique bicycles and some examples from the Schwinn bicycle company and Greg LeMond loaned his 1983 tour de France bike for my show, taking the entire second floor and first floor of the building. In 1989, I took my first Transcontinental bike ride across Europe on my 1886 gormully and Jeffrey high wheel (Ordinary) bicycle. With a group of 60 fellow riders, we rode across Europe. Mid way in the journey, I made an attempt to ride 200 miles in a day's time. I accomplished the feat and to my amazement was told I was the FIRST in modern times to attempt such a feat, this relayed to me by the nationaalfietsmuseum, a Dutch museum of bicycles and vintage cars. The proprietor is an authority on the subject of antique cycling in Europe. My record of 14.5 hrs for 213 miles still stands to this day. I returned to America, only to be invited to a ride across Japan on the same bike with 60 other high wheel riders. The trip was all expense paid so I couldn't refuse. We were featured on Japanese TV and news papers. Part of the trip was riding and racing at the Design Exposition in Nagoya, for four days. We weathered a Monsoon on one of those exhibition rides. I did get to fly the Gossomer Condor simulator while there; I could have flown that machine. Upon my return home from my one month's Japan journey, I received a letter from Australia, inviting me to race and make a record attempt on a 100 year old 100 mile record set by a local there. Off I went. I succeeded in breaking the old record set in 1886 with my 1886 bicycle in 1990, by 90 minutes, the new record being 7H 48 minutes for 100 hilly miles. 
I then followed up with a 545 mile very hilly ride on the bike around Tasmania. When I returned to America, I did the first EVER bicycle display in Towe Transportation Museum in Sacramento. Another first for me. I also did an exhibit at UC Davis as part of the Exhibit "The Bicycle, Form and Function" in winter 1990.
In the meantime I changed jobs and now was working for a new Agency, Cal EPA, as an Engineer, I worked with landfill design compliance and many other facets, using all my skills I learned in University from Biology, to Engineering, to Paleontology and Environmental Sciences. I hit the ground running, drafting a new set of composting regulations for state wide enforcement, cleaning up a huge file database, and immersing myself in, among other projects, an Environmental Impact Report on the building that would impact virtually EVERY person who would be working in the new building we were about to move into in 2000. The building, as designed, was in violation of a series of work conditions. I alerted the five unions, involved in my Agency, to this series of standards breaches and we forced the management to change everything in the building's 25 floors to be in compliance, from partition heights to cubicle sizes, to a bike commuter room that was too small, relative to the employee ratios of bike commuters and user allocations. I was also Shop Steward and key to many conditions being agreed to between the State management and the worker unions. As time passed, I wrote three professional papers on Paleontology, the only one ever written on this subject, all published in three major paleo-science journals in conjunction with my lecturing at Cal Tech, University of Arizona and University of Colorado. Simultaneously, I published a comprehensive guide on environmental restoration, which is currently being used in S. Korea, Mexico, Canada, China, Turkey, the Local county Agencies in California and several other states in the US and private consultants. It has appeared in Amazon books. I worked in a committee that laid the groundwork for regulatory standards for cruise ships and their wastes, air and water management.
In 2000, I published a paper on what may be the oldest pedal driven bicycle in existence in California, being built in 1838 or so. I presented a lecture in Muenster on the bicycle. In 2001, I worked in appraising a bicycle collection which led to a grant and funding to procure the collection for a Museum in conjunction with U.C. Davis. This laid the foundation for the California Bicycle Museum, in which I was a board member until recently when it integrated with the US National Cycling Hall of Fame. I am the only one who knows about these cycles. Because of my bicycle activities, I have been featured in: Bicycling Magazine, Sports Illustrated, Sacramento Magazine (twice), Sacramento Bee, Sacramento Union, several smaller local newspapers, Japanese and Australian newspapers and TV, local TV and Radio and The Wheelmen Magazine which is housed in the US Library of Congress, one of FEW publications retained in its original (paper) format. I have records on two continents and publications circulating worldwide and being used statewide. I recently retired and am now working on two patents, some music and an aircraft which I invented in 1968 and for which our technology has FINALLY caught up, so that I can build it.
My parents said in my being Gay, I would not amount to anything. I am proving them wrong in hexa-quadruplets. And THEY are missing out on all the fun. NEVER let ANYONE say being gay is a detriment, you will prove them wrong.
Thanks! If anyone else would like to participate in the Gay in the Life Project, email your story to gay.in.the.life@gmail.com, along with your first name or pen name, age, location, and/or any other information that you’d like posted to introduce yourself. All contact information will remain private and confidential.
I was born, 1952, to an average military family, Dad was Commander for Travis AFB. He died before I was born. Raised with just Mom and two older brothers. I knew I was different from them, but HOW different, not until much later in life. But, I was different, not the typical kid. While my brothers liked Basketball, I like Bicycles. When they liked Football, I liked Frisbee. When they liked Baseball, I liked skateboards. I loved the ocean, my family preferred skiing and mountains. At six, I also knew I liked boys, they liked girls. But I never manifested any of this openly. I grew up, was a good student, focused on college and a real professional job. I wanted to be an Oceanographer and Jacques Cousteau was my childhood hero. I graduated high school an average unobtrusive kid. Never got really bullied. Being the "non-athlete" I did get the usual as I was more the nerdish kid. But I KNEW I would be better than them for my brains so I ignored it. I went to University, U.C. Berkeley and got my degrees in Geology, Paleontology and Biology. I was so focused on school, I actually didn't pay attention to my primal drives. During this time, I did design, build and sail a 14 foot catamaran.
I graduated in 1975, on Dean's List, moved to Sacramento and started working on a teaching credential. I dropped that as the political climate and the environment for teachers in general was not as it was when I was a kid. But this was when I released my inner Gay. I went out, danced and then in December 1976, met my first love, my partner today of 33 years. We moved in together and in 1978, Mother's Day, we invited my mother and her boyfriend during all my childhood, to dinner at our house. This coming out was too much for them and I was soon "banished " from the family. Soon my next older brother would lose interest in Fraternal bonds. With that, my connections to family were gone. And that decision on my mother and his boyfriend's parts forever severed any interaction they would have with my future life's accomplishments. I felt it would be their loss, not mine. They said I would never amount to anything because I was gay. I confidently knew otherwise.In 1980, I got my first real professional job as an engineer, soon working on developing Geothermal and natural gas resources for a state agency. I established a new royalty collection formula for the state which would net millions of dollars in natural gas well leases. I also came out to several good close coworkers with no repercussions on my working environment. I had a couple closet homophobes, but my work supporters put them in their place. They told me about this later. We all laughed.
During those first six months, I worked in Los Angeles and started hearing about "Gay Related Infectious Diseases or "GRID" for short. That soon morphed into AIDS. When I transferred to Sacramento, where my partner was living in our house, we attended the FIRST open medical conference on GRID/AIDS in Sacramento and immediately saw the gravity of this new illness. We both quickly got involved in the first Sacramento AIDS Foundation, my partner beginning the first group of patient counselors in Spring 1982. I was to go the second wave, but worked in a fund raising capacity. We worked with Shanti Project out of San Francisco, including Cleve Jones and others. Simultaneously with this activity, I began organizing the FIRST EVER AIDS bicycle fundraiser in the nation. This was in winter of 1982 and funding was not available for AIDS issues. I thought this ride would serve two purposes; raise money for AIDS services in Sacramento, and, the route being from Sacramento to San Francisco, make a statement of "bond" between our two cities. I got good support from fellow volunteers, but luke warm support from the Foundation Board. They were after bigger fish to fry like county funds. I was undeterred and by August 20, 1983, hosted and led the first ever AIDS fundraiser bike ride in California and the Nation. Three riders rode the Castro to Castro ride from Castro Way, Sacramento to go to the Castro Street Fair in San Francisco and a 4th rider, my partner, did a local 40 mile out and back ride. Only I made it to San Francisco. The two women who accompanied me, unfortunately suffered knee problems and had to turn back about 70 miles into the ride. Two days and 175 miles later, I arrived to 17,000 Castro Street Fair goers and my partner waiting for me in San Francisco with 4500 dollars in pledges to my name. The first AIDS bike ride was completed. History was made. We did volunteer work for the Foundation for several years. I also was involved in founding the first Lambda Community Center Gay, a community services center, in downtown. In 1986, I participated in Gay Games 2 in San Francisco. I managed to get silver in Triathlon. Also, during this time, I was building lutes and guitars and playing performances and was getting some local notoriety on TV for my art, being featured on our PBS station in a 20 minute segment on my skills. In a couple of years, I started gaining interest in antique bicycles and collecting and restoring them. Soon, TV was featuring me on this interest also. Within 5 years of collecting, 1988, I was featured in the first ever bicycle exhibit at the Sacramento History Center. The exhibit showcased 35 of my antique bicycles and some examples from the Schwinn bicycle company and Greg LeMond loaned his 1983 tour de France bike for my show, taking the entire second floor and first floor of the building. In 1989, I took my first Transcontinental bike ride across Europe on my 1886 gormully and Jeffrey high wheel (Ordinary) bicycle. With a group of 60 fellow riders, we rode across Europe. Mid way in the journey, I made an attempt to ride 200 miles in a day's time. I accomplished the feat and to my amazement was told I was the FIRST in modern times to attempt such a feat, this relayed to me by the nationaalfietsmuseum, a Dutch museum of bicycles and vintage cars. The proprietor is an authority on the subject of antique cycling in Europe. My record of 14.5 hrs for 213 miles still stands to this day. I returned to America, only to be invited to a ride across Japan on the same bike with 60 other high wheel riders. The trip was all expense paid so I couldn't refuse. We were featured on Japanese TV and news papers. Part of the trip was riding and racing at the Design Exposition in Nagoya, for four days. We weathered a Monsoon on one of those exhibition rides. I did get to fly the Gossomer Condor simulator while there; I could have flown that machine. Upon my return home from my one month's Japan journey, I received a letter from Australia, inviting me to race and make a record attempt on a 100 year old 100 mile record set by a local there. Off I went. I succeeded in breaking the old record set in 1886 with my 1886 bicycle in 1990, by 90 minutes, the new record being 7H 48 minutes for 100 hilly miles. 
I then followed up with a 545 mile very hilly ride on the bike around Tasmania. When I returned to America, I did the first EVER bicycle display in Towe Transportation Museum in Sacramento. Another first for me. I also did an exhibit at UC Davis as part of the Exhibit "The Bicycle, Form and Function" in winter 1990.In the meantime I changed jobs and now was working for a new Agency, Cal EPA, as an Engineer, I worked with landfill design compliance and many other facets, using all my skills I learned in University from Biology, to Engineering, to Paleontology and Environmental Sciences. I hit the ground running, drafting a new set of composting regulations for state wide enforcement, cleaning up a huge file database, and immersing myself in, among other projects, an Environmental Impact Report on the building that would impact virtually EVERY person who would be working in the new building we were about to move into in 2000. The building, as designed, was in violation of a series of work conditions. I alerted the five unions, involved in my Agency, to this series of standards breaches and we forced the management to change everything in the building's 25 floors to be in compliance, from partition heights to cubicle sizes, to a bike commuter room that was too small, relative to the employee ratios of bike commuters and user allocations. I was also Shop Steward and key to many conditions being agreed to between the State management and the worker unions. As time passed, I wrote three professional papers on Paleontology, the only one ever written on this subject, all published in three major paleo-science journals in conjunction with my lecturing at Cal Tech, University of Arizona and University of Colorado. Simultaneously, I published a comprehensive guide on environmental restoration, which is currently being used in S. Korea, Mexico, Canada, China, Turkey, the Local county Agencies in California and several other states in the US and private consultants. It has appeared in Amazon books. I worked in a committee that laid the groundwork for regulatory standards for cruise ships and their wastes, air and water management.
In 2000, I published a paper on what may be the oldest pedal driven bicycle in existence in California, being built in 1838 or so. I presented a lecture in Muenster on the bicycle. In 2001, I worked in appraising a bicycle collection which led to a grant and funding to procure the collection for a Museum in conjunction with U.C. Davis. This laid the foundation for the California Bicycle Museum, in which I was a board member until recently when it integrated with the US National Cycling Hall of Fame. I am the only one who knows about these cycles. Because of my bicycle activities, I have been featured in: Bicycling Magazine, Sports Illustrated, Sacramento Magazine (twice), Sacramento Bee, Sacramento Union, several smaller local newspapers, Japanese and Australian newspapers and TV, local TV and Radio and The Wheelmen Magazine which is housed in the US Library of Congress, one of FEW publications retained in its original (paper) format. I have records on two continents and publications circulating worldwide and being used statewide. I recently retired and am now working on two patents, some music and an aircraft which I invented in 1968 and for which our technology has FINALLY caught up, so that I can build it.My parents said in my being Gay, I would not amount to anything. I am proving them wrong in hexa-quadruplets. And THEY are missing out on all the fun. NEVER let ANYONE say being gay is a detriment, you will prove them wrong.
Thanks! If anyone else would like to participate in the Gay in the Life Project, email your story to gay.in.the.life@gmail.com, along with your first name or pen name, age, location, and/or any other information that you’d like posted to introduce yourself. All contact information will remain private and confidential.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
A Gay in the Life of an Africa-Obsessed Undergrad
Bianca, 18, Pittsburgh, PA—"college student and blogger, activist, waitress, and other stuff."
I’m into labels. But probably not the ones you’re used to. Senegal. Guinea-Bissau, Mauritius. Labels are points on a map. A big, rainbow map with Africa smack dab in the middle of it.
Ok, enough abstract (it’s the writer in me, I can’t help it!)—I’m almost 19, going to be a junior at my undergrad university, majoring in International Studies. That’s the brief I give to most people I meet. If you poke around a little further, you’ll find that I’m also queer (in my case, attracted to men and women romantically, but only women sexually) and in a long-term, committed relationship with the most beautiful woman in the world- whom I am moving in with in exactly 1 month, 8 days, 6 hours and 49 minutes (but who’s counting?).
Look even deeper and you’ll find that I am hopelessly in love with the continent of Africa—the distinctive red dirt, the incredibly friendly, giving people, the intense, spicy food, and the rich and complex history of a continent I’ve never been to. I’m headed to Kenya this coming January and I am scared out of my mind. I don’t know about all of you, but the last time I checked, Africa wasn’t terribly fond of queers. It is one of the most religious areas of the world, and that religious influence has imbedded a strong distaste for same-sex relations. So here I am, caught between two things I really love: rainbows and Africa.
When I first “figured out” that I was gay, I was about to enter 10th grade- it was July and I was at a student leadership conference for Family, Career, and Community Leaders of America, fulfilling my presidential duties. Over the course of that week, I wrote successive [journal] entries detailing my progression into gayness- “I’m 20% sure I’m bisexual, I’m 50% sure…” Of course, this identity has evolved over the years as I figured out that I didn’t really feel attracted sexually to men, but process was a good one in my opinion. It let me gradually come to accept myself and my identity. And when I wasn’t sure, I could always hang on to that last 10% or so.
But anyways…. I came out 3 months later to my mom and only a short while after that to all of my friends. I pretty much haven’t looked back. I am one of those people who wants everyone to see the whole me, the genuine me—the often crazy, impulsive, and not completely rational me. I am obsessed with authenticity, and the idea of hiding an integral part of myself, whether that’s my love of sushi or my sexual orientation (and trust me, they’re both integral), is almost completely intolerable. It hurts my soul.
So what worries me is the prospect of living my entire “Africa life” as a closeted queer. I know in my head that I can never be out in Africa if I want to be safe. There are beatings, curative rapes, and even murders across the continent for being gay. You do not walk down the streets of Mombasa with your rainbow beads on. But what is more worrisome…I’m not sure I can even pretend to be straight anymore.
I have life pretty easy. I have a very feminine figure and a strong, but classical womanly face. If I grow my hair out, the impression only grows stronger that I am a typical, straight female. (I do not, however, know if this translates in Africa, where women often shave their heads to combat the heat and have very different facial structures than in the US) Nonetheless, my mannerisms, my vocabulary, and my typical conversational topics have a distinctly queer spin to them. I write a blog about LGBT teen issues—http://www.foreverthequeerestkids.wordpress.com/—which I talk about obsessively; I am heavily involved in LGBT groups on my college campus, and I am relatively up-to-date on the latest developments in gay news and politics. These things are integral to how I conduct my every day life. I don’t know if I am CAPABLE of erasing them from my everyday functioning.
Right now, I’m choosing not to worry about it. My bigger issues are finding a Swahili tutor and an apartment for the coming year. I’m certain that no matter the price, I have to be in Africa, and heck, I’ve put my study abroad deposit down, so there’s no turning back. I’ll figure it out. And maybe, just maybe, there’ll be a place in Africa for a queer undergrad who just wants to understand and be understood. But I’ll never know unless I look for it.
If you would like to participate in the Gay in the Life Project, email your story (about 1000 words) to gay.in.the.life@gmail.com, along with your fist name or pen name, age, location, and/or any other information that you’d like posted to introduce yourself. Include a title that begins, "A Gay (Lesbian, Bi, Trans, Questioning) in the Life of..." All contact information will remain private and confidential.
I’m into labels. But probably not the ones you’re used to. Senegal. Guinea-Bissau, Mauritius. Labels are points on a map. A big, rainbow map with Africa smack dab in the middle of it.
Ok, enough abstract (it’s the writer in me, I can’t help it!)—I’m almost 19, going to be a junior at my undergrad university, majoring in International Studies. That’s the brief I give to most people I meet. If you poke around a little further, you’ll find that I’m also queer (in my case, attracted to men and women romantically, but only women sexually) and in a long-term, committed relationship with the most beautiful woman in the world- whom I am moving in with in exactly 1 month, 8 days, 6 hours and 49 minutes (but who’s counting?).
Look even deeper and you’ll find that I am hopelessly in love with the continent of Africa—the distinctive red dirt, the incredibly friendly, giving people, the intense, spicy food, and the rich and complex history of a continent I’ve never been to. I’m headed to Kenya this coming January and I am scared out of my mind. I don’t know about all of you, but the last time I checked, Africa wasn’t terribly fond of queers. It is one of the most religious areas of the world, and that religious influence has imbedded a strong distaste for same-sex relations. So here I am, caught between two things I really love: rainbows and Africa.
When I first “figured out” that I was gay, I was about to enter 10th grade- it was July and I was at a student leadership conference for Family, Career, and Community Leaders of America, fulfilling my presidential duties. Over the course of that week, I wrote successive [journal] entries detailing my progression into gayness- “I’m 20% sure I’m bisexual, I’m 50% sure…” Of course, this identity has evolved over the years as I figured out that I didn’t really feel attracted sexually to men, but process was a good one in my opinion. It let me gradually come to accept myself and my identity. And when I wasn’t sure, I could always hang on to that last 10% or so.
But anyways…. I came out 3 months later to my mom and only a short while after that to all of my friends. I pretty much haven’t looked back. I am one of those people who wants everyone to see the whole me, the genuine me—the often crazy, impulsive, and not completely rational me. I am obsessed with authenticity, and the idea of hiding an integral part of myself, whether that’s my love of sushi or my sexual orientation (and trust me, they’re both integral), is almost completely intolerable. It hurts my soul.
So what worries me is the prospect of living my entire “Africa life” as a closeted queer. I know in my head that I can never be out in Africa if I want to be safe. There are beatings, curative rapes, and even murders across the continent for being gay. You do not walk down the streets of Mombasa with your rainbow beads on. But what is more worrisome…I’m not sure I can even pretend to be straight anymore.
I have life pretty easy. I have a very feminine figure and a strong, but classical womanly face. If I grow my hair out, the impression only grows stronger that I am a typical, straight female. (I do not, however, know if this translates in Africa, where women often shave their heads to combat the heat and have very different facial structures than in the US) Nonetheless, my mannerisms, my vocabulary, and my typical conversational topics have a distinctly queer spin to them. I write a blog about LGBT teen issues—http://www.foreverthequeerestkids.wordpress.com/—which I talk about obsessively; I am heavily involved in LGBT groups on my college campus, and I am relatively up-to-date on the latest developments in gay news and politics. These things are integral to how I conduct my every day life. I don’t know if I am CAPABLE of erasing them from my everyday functioning.
Right now, I’m choosing not to worry about it. My bigger issues are finding a Swahili tutor and an apartment for the coming year. I’m certain that no matter the price, I have to be in Africa, and heck, I’ve put my study abroad deposit down, so there’s no turning back. I’ll figure it out. And maybe, just maybe, there’ll be a place in Africa for a queer undergrad who just wants to understand and be understood. But I’ll never know unless I look for it.
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