A Gay in the Life of a Christian Prom Queen

Sound like an oxymoron? It's not. It's my life and I'm very happy to share it with you. I was always one of the "popular" kids growing up, liked by many. I had no enemies and I was friendly with everyone I came in contact with. I was valedictorian of my high school, captain of my sports team, and president of many academic endeavors. I was voted onto the court as a candidate for prom queen in high school. I was up there with 5 of my best friends. I am still to this day shocked that I won, because I thought I was up there as some sort of mean joke or mix up in the voting. After that day I had people I didn't even know coming up to me and telling me they voted for me because I was the only one of my best friends that wasn't vain or bitchy (haha, in retrospect that is all too true). So it seemed that I fit in well with any crowd I decided to hang with, but I always felt different from everyone else and somehow alienated.

It started in middle school, about the time everyone's hormones go bat shit crazy. All of my best friends were obsessing over all the cute boys, so I went along with it. Peer pressure is a powerful thing, so I would convince myself I had a crush on a certain boy or another. I found it hard to reconcile the things I was saying to my friends ("Oh, Scott is so cute! I would love to make out with him!") to the things that were actually going on in my head. "Normal" popular teenage girls don't daydream about which of their friends they would kiss if they had to kiss a girl... They don't think about Angelina Jolie before they go to bed at night either.

The pressure that my friends were unknowingly placing upon me seemed like nothing, because I really didn't know what was going on. There are no gay people in the town I lived in growing up. And if there were any, they sure weren't out about it. It just wasn't an option for me at the time (ha... like I really had an option to "choose" my sexuality). Overall, I was very confused and felt nearly all the time that I just didn't quite fit in with my friends.

If that wasn't hard enough, reconciling my "feelings" with my religion was just out of the question. I grew up going to a Baptist church, and both of my parents are strong believers. I felt like every time I had a thought about a woman I was betraying God. That's a lot of pressure for a teenage girl to have. So, naturally, I repressed all of my feelings and became insanely homophobic. What else was I supposed to do? I dated a lot and became somewhat of a "serial dater." I would date a guy for a week and then discard him because I was bored. I didn't date ugly guys either. All sexy, jacked, and tan (in Snookie speak). What was wrong with me that I just couldn't stay interested in these great guys!?

Oh yeah... I was GAY! Finally in college the lightbulb hit me. It took me actually catching myself saying out loud, "Damn, that girl is hot." My mouth hit the ground in disbelief of what I had just said. Once I accepted to myself that I was attracted to women I did a little soul searching and learned a lot about who I really was. I was not the same girl that society had packaged into a box; I was my own unique individual with likes and attractions to things that maybe my best friends didn't like, but that was ok!

I don't really talk to the people I went to high school with anymore. I am open about my sexuality, which was definitely a shock to everyone in my town. I think I was the last person they expected to be gay. It's not that they have ostracized me, but more so that I have moved on from their narrow mindset. I know that some of them are supportive of my life style and some are not. Either way, I do not need their approval to live my life and be happy. I have an amazing group of friends now who love me for who I am. I did eventually come out to my parents, who took it pretty hard. They love me very much and are trying their best to deal with it. I give them a lot of credit and I think they are amazing. I am in a 3 year relationship with the most beautiful, amazing girl ever and someday we hope to get married. My parents actually really like my girlfriend and they are very sweet to her, although they don't exactly approve of our relationship. I am also in graduate school and being successful in my research.

I would also like to say that, although I lost my faith for awhile while trying to figure everything out, I have regained a relationship with God that is stronger than before. I realized that it was the radical religious people judging me, not my own God. He made me just the way that I am and He loves me and has blessed me in so many ways. It is so sad when I see people who condemn homosexuals in the name of God, when they clearly have it all ass backwards. They should be promoting love and acceptance, which is the entire theme of the Bible. It's unfair to take a few verses that were mistranslated and take them out of context. The Bible is in no way a weapon. I am not attempting to push my faith onto anyone, but if you're interested in my take on things, I believe that religion and faith are two completely separate things that are often confused. I do not affiliate with a religion, because I think that religion can also be used to condemn others. I do have faith and it is growing all the time. If by chance you happen to be in the same boat I was, where you could not reconcile your faith with your sexuality, I hope you take these words to heart because God is not condemning you. Love is all that matters in this world and loving someone is certainly not a sin. Sorry if that sounded preachy but I think a lot of people are angry at God because of mistakes that man has made. It's important to clarify that you shouldn't blame God for the ignorance of humans. Ok, just one last rant. Just like you don't want Christians judging you because you are gay, don't judge others just because they are Christian. Not all Christians want to condemn you.

On a completely different and final note, I think I might write a book someday. I have so many hilarious stories to share about my self discovery and coming out. Unfortunately, I think this blog is getting a little too long to tell them all :) I would be happy if my story helps at least one person be more comfortable with who they are. Good luck to everyone on their own journey in life. <3>