Sometimes I wish I had “I swear, I like girls!” tattooed on my forehead. Maybe then I would actually get asked out by a girl. Even when I go out to a gay bar or club the girls there assume I’m straight. I can’t begin to tell you how many times I’ve had to tell a fellow lesbian that I play for their team over a few drinks. I guess that has something to do with the fact that I usually go out with my two straight best friends, and the three of us look like a small crew of girls that decided to go dancing without having to deal with disrespectful guys. Or perhaps that we’ve left our boyfriends at home and are having a girls night. Either way, they’re straight but I’m not!
I didn’t always have this problem you see, it started after I graduated high school. I grew up in a very small, conservative town so I stayed deep inside the closet and had boyfriends all throughout high school (However, I wasn’t that great at faking straight because I’m still a gold star lesbian). After I graduated, though, with the support of one of my amazing best friends I came out and in the long run it made me MUCH happier with myself and with life in general.
With my new found happiness came a new found drive to take pride in my appearance and I upgraded my wardrobe with brighter colors, low cut tops, skirts, dresses, etc. It’s not that I didn’t care what I looked like before I came out, it’s just that I didn’t take the extra time to look ‘cute’ and/or ‘sexy’. When I was in the closet I was incredibly depressed and self-loathing and I pretty much just threw on a t-shirt and jeans and called it good. Now, on the other hand, I love rifling through my closet and trying on several different things until I find the perfect outfit for the moment. I guess the best way to describe it is when I came out after graduating high school, I found myself in more ways than one.
In a way it’s a curse and a blessing really, being gay but “looking” straight. It’s a blessing because I love meeting new people and challenging their views on what they expect a lesbian to look like. Usually when I tell them I’m gay they don’t believe me at first, but after they think about it for a few moments they laugh and say it makes sense. And usually then they’ll start asking me all of these questions about what it’s like to be gay, how I knew, what’s my type, and the list just goes on. I love having that conversation with people, because I feel like it’s something small I can do to help change people’s negative views towards homosexuality. I can show them that I’m no different than they are; I’m just a person trying to find love.
It’s a curse, however, because it’s hard for me to date girls. My first relationship with a girl lasted years, about 5 on and off (you know how it goes). The off parts being no longer than a month or two. Since then, I’ve dated one girl and it wasn’t for very long. That was partially due to obvious reasons, but it was also because between the two of them I had only been asked out by guys.
Throughout college I participated in a few of the LGBT events on campus, and I’ve even made a few friends with some of the people that work for the center at the university I attended. I never felt like I fit in completely though, because although I know what it feels like to be in a minority, I know it in a different way. I know that I’m gay, but it isn’t so obvious to others and therefore people project heterosexuality on me and treat me like I’m one of the majority. It’s a weird place to be in.
Now that I’m a college graduate and in that limbo stage between undergraduate and graduate studies I feel like my “straight” lesbianism is at its peak. It’s pride month and I’ve been wearing a rainbow bracelet on my wrist when I go out to gay and straight bars alike. The guys are still on the prowl buying me drinks and asking me when I’m free. Where are my ladies at? I'm afraid of needles and would rather not get that ink on my forehead.
- Not straight from California
If you would like to participate in the Gay in the Life Project, email your story (about 1000 words) to gay.in.the.life@gmail.com, along with your fist name or pen name, age, location, and/or any other information that you’d like posted to introduce yourself. Include a title that begins, "A Gay (Lesbian, Bi, Trans, Questioning) in the Life of..." All contact information will remain private and confidential.
Showing posts with label closet. Show all posts
Showing posts with label closet. Show all posts
Monday, June 28, 2010
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
A Gay in the Life of a High School Student
It all started when I was very young… in the 4th/ 5th grade. I gradually came to realize that I had a crush on my best friend. I clearly remember it was this early because we weren’t friends when I moved on to middle school, and he asked me which girls I’ve had crushes on. I lied and told him a few names, while in my head I was thinking, “But I’m attracted to you”.
When I went on to middle school I was struggling with the idea of coming out to my parents eventually… it wasn’t constantly on my mind, but when it was, I was in fear. I lived in a New England town that was very accepting, although we have a Republican majority, but I still constantly asked the question “What if my mom was disappointed in me (I was raised by just my mom)?”, “What if I’m made fun of at school?”, “What will my friends think?”. Eventually I came out to this kid by mistake, quite randomly. I then subsequently came out to a few others, who were really accepting. And that was the first step in the process of coming out.
After this, I decided to tell my mom. It took a lot of courage, and I even roamed the internet for a long time researching different coming out stories. When I finally had the courage, I took my mom aside in her bedroom, closed the door, and confessed it too her. She was extremely supportive, which I realize is lucky, and I’m thankful for her.
The next step was telling my step-dad, which was easy for me since I had such huge support from my mom. . I had told some of my friends by now, and after a conversation with my best friend at the time, I came out on Facebook to everyone. The response was overwhelmingly positive. Even a self-defined ultra-conservative Roman Catholic student was somewhat accepting. Although he (and his brother) expressed their belief that homosexuality was a choice and a sin, they did not bother me about it and I even occasionally talked with them. In a separate incident much later, another religious conservative expressed his belief that although he disagrees with me being a homosexual, that shouldn't impact our friendship and that Christianity was about accepting others even if you think they are sinful.
Now I’m still in high school, and all of my friends know I’m gay, and none of them have a real problem with it. Yeah, I tend to be extroverted and sometimes straight guys misinterpret me as being attracted to them, but it hasn’t been a lasting issue with any of them.
There was one case where I became attracted to a friend of mine. I took things a little too far, perhaps became a little too flirtatious, but as a result I have established new limits and hold myself to them. He was even really accepting, although he was conservative and does believe homosexuality is a sin. I had a phone conversation about it with him, where we established that we’d keep the distance. Unfortunately, I have probably lost a friend in that area, and although we are on talking terms, he’s expressed his discomfort with hanging out outside of school, and we don’t talk as much anymore. I think that’s a shame, since I thought he was one of the nicest and sincere people I’ve ever met. He adheres to his faith, and is accepting of others even if he disapproves of them, and even though I’m an atheist I respect him a lot.
I have met a few bisexual people and a couple gay/lesbian in my time in high school and elsewhere, and although most of them aren’t interesting to me as friends (there are only about 9 people out in my school besides me, and it seems many of them are full of themselves), I have made good friendships with a couple of them.
I know I’m lucky, but if I had a message for any one still in grade school or high school who is LGBT, I would say to learn to accept yourself for who you are, not only you being LGBT, but also all your flaws and strengths, because THAT is what makes you UNIQUE. Also, it is good to come to terms with yourself and come out to the people you care about, but keep in mind that it is your choice when to come out. Being LGBT is not what defines you… it’s just one part of yourself, and in fact it only defines who you are attracted to or what gender you identify yourself as. As such, don’t feel pressured to tell just everyone. And no that no matter what adversity you face, you are NOT ALONE. There will always be supportive people down the road, who will accept you for who you are.
If you would like to participate in the Gay in the Life Project, email your story (about 1000 words) to gay.in.the.life@gmail.com, along with your fist name or pen name, age, location, and/or any other information that you’d like posted to introduce yourself. Include a title that begins, "A Gay (Lesbian, Bi, Trans, Questioning) in the Life of..." All contact information will remain private and confidential.
When I went on to middle school I was struggling with the idea of coming out to my parents eventually… it wasn’t constantly on my mind, but when it was, I was in fear. I lived in a New England town that was very accepting, although we have a Republican majority, but I still constantly asked the question “What if my mom was disappointed in me (I was raised by just my mom)?”, “What if I’m made fun of at school?”, “What will my friends think?”. Eventually I came out to this kid by mistake, quite randomly. I then subsequently came out to a few others, who were really accepting. And that was the first step in the process of coming out.
After this, I decided to tell my mom. It took a lot of courage, and I even roamed the internet for a long time researching different coming out stories. When I finally had the courage, I took my mom aside in her bedroom, closed the door, and confessed it too her. She was extremely supportive, which I realize is lucky, and I’m thankful for her.
The next step was telling my step-dad, which was easy for me since I had such huge support from my mom. . I had told some of my friends by now, and after a conversation with my best friend at the time, I came out on Facebook to everyone. The response was overwhelmingly positive. Even a self-defined ultra-conservative Roman Catholic student was somewhat accepting. Although he (and his brother) expressed their belief that homosexuality was a choice and a sin, they did not bother me about it and I even occasionally talked with them. In a separate incident much later, another religious conservative expressed his belief that although he disagrees with me being a homosexual, that shouldn't impact our friendship and that Christianity was about accepting others even if you think they are sinful.
Now I’m still in high school, and all of my friends know I’m gay, and none of them have a real problem with it. Yeah, I tend to be extroverted and sometimes straight guys misinterpret me as being attracted to them, but it hasn’t been a lasting issue with any of them.
There was one case where I became attracted to a friend of mine. I took things a little too far, perhaps became a little too flirtatious, but as a result I have established new limits and hold myself to them. He was even really accepting, although he was conservative and does believe homosexuality is a sin. I had a phone conversation about it with him, where we established that we’d keep the distance. Unfortunately, I have probably lost a friend in that area, and although we are on talking terms, he’s expressed his discomfort with hanging out outside of school, and we don’t talk as much anymore. I think that’s a shame, since I thought he was one of the nicest and sincere people I’ve ever met. He adheres to his faith, and is accepting of others even if he disapproves of them, and even though I’m an atheist I respect him a lot.
I have met a few bisexual people and a couple gay/lesbian in my time in high school and elsewhere, and although most of them aren’t interesting to me as friends (there are only about 9 people out in my school besides me, and it seems many of them are full of themselves), I have made good friendships with a couple of them.
I know I’m lucky, but if I had a message for any one still in grade school or high school who is LGBT, I would say to learn to accept yourself for who you are, not only you being LGBT, but also all your flaws and strengths, because THAT is what makes you UNIQUE. Also, it is good to come to terms with yourself and come out to the people you care about, but keep in mind that it is your choice when to come out. Being LGBT is not what defines you… it’s just one part of yourself, and in fact it only defines who you are attracted to or what gender you identify yourself as. As such, don’t feel pressured to tell just everyone. And no that no matter what adversity you face, you are NOT ALONE. There will always be supportive people down the road, who will accept you for who you are.
If you would like to participate in the Gay in the Life Project, email your story (about 1000 words) to gay.in.the.life@gmail.com, along with your fist name or pen name, age, location, and/or any other information that you’d like posted to introduce yourself. Include a title that begins, "A Gay (Lesbian, Bi, Trans, Questioning) in the Life of..." All contact information will remain private and confidential.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
A Gay in the Life of a Christian Prom Queen
Sound like an oxymoron? It's not. It's my life and I'm very happy to share it with you. I was always one of the "popular" kids growing up, liked by many. I had no enemies and I was friendly with everyone I came in contact with. I was valedictorian of my high school, captain of my sports team, and president of many academic endeavors. I was voted onto the court as a candidate for prom queen in high school. I was up there with 5 of my best friends. I am still to this day shocked that I won, because I thought I was up there as some sort of mean joke or mix up in the voting. After that day I had people I didn't even know coming up to me and telling me they voted for me because I was the only one of my best friends that wasn't vain or bitchy (haha, in retrospect that is all too true). So it seemed that I fit in well with any crowd I decided to hang with, but I always felt different from everyone else and somehow alienated.
It started in middle school, about the time everyone's hormones go bat shit crazy. All of my best friends were obsessing over all the cute boys, so I went along with it. Peer pressure is a powerful thing, so I would convince myself I had a crush on a certain boy or another. I found it hard to reconcile the things I was saying to my friends ("Oh, Scott is so cute! I would love to make out with him!") to the things that were actually going on in my head. "Normal" popular teenage girls don't daydream about which of their friends they would kiss if they had to kiss a girl... They don't think about Angelina Jolie before they go to bed at night either.
The pressure that my friends were unknowingly placing upon me seemed like nothing, because I really didn't know what was going on. There are no gay people in the town I lived in growing up. And if there were any, they sure weren't out about it. It just wasn't an option for me at the time (ha... like I really had an option to "choose" my sexuality). Overall, I was very confused and felt nearly all the time that I just didn't quite fit in with my friends.
If that wasn't hard enough, reconciling my "feelings" with my religion was just out of the question. I grew up going to a Baptist church, and both of my parents are strong believers. I felt like every time I had a thought about a woman I was betraying God. That's a lot of pressure for a teenage girl to have. So, naturally, I repressed all of my feelings and became insanely homophobic. What else was I supposed to do? I dated a lot and became somewhat of a "serial dater." I would date a guy for a week and then discard him because I was bored. I didn't date ugly guys either. All sexy, jacked, and tan (in Snookie speak). What was wrong with me that I just couldn't stay interested in these great guys!?
Oh yeah... I was GAY! Finally in college the lightbulb hit me. It took me actually catching myself saying out loud, "Damn, that girl is hot." My mouth hit the ground in disbelief of what I had just said. Once I accepted to myself that I was attracted to women I did a little soul searching and learned a lot about who I really was. I was not the same girl that society had packaged into a box; I was my own unique individual with likes and attractions to things that maybe my best friends didn't like, but that was ok!
I don't really talk to the people I went to high school with anymore. I am open about my sexuality, which was definitely a shock to everyone in my town. I think I was the last person they expected to be gay. It's not that they have ostracized me, but more so that I have moved on from their narrow mindset. I know that some of them are supportive of my life style and some are not. Either way, I do not need their approval to live my life and be happy. I have an amazing group of friends now who love me for who I am. I did eventually come out to my parents, who took it pretty hard. They love me very much and are trying their best to deal with it. I give them a lot of credit and I think they are amazing. I am in a 3 year relationship with the most beautiful, amazing girl ever and someday we hope to get married. My parents actually really like my girlfriend and they are very sweet to her, although they don't exactly approve of our relationship. I am also in graduate school and being successful in my research.
I would also like to say that, although I lost my faith for awhile while trying to figure everything out, I have regained a relationship with God that is stronger than before. I realized that it was the radical religious people judging me, not my own God. He made me just the way that I am and He loves me and has blessed me in so many ways. It is so sad when I see people who condemn homosexuals in the name of God, when they clearly have it all ass backwards. They should be promoting love and acceptance, which is the entire theme of the Bible. It's unfair to take a few verses that were mistranslated and take them out of context. The Bible is in no way a weapon. I am not attempting to push my faith onto anyone, but if you're interested in my take on things, I believe that religion and faith are two completely separate things that are often confused. I do not affiliate with a religion, because I think that religion can also be used to condemn others. I do have faith and it is growing all the time. If by chance you happen to be in the same boat I was, where you could not reconcile your faith with your sexuality, I hope you take these words to heart because God is not condemning you. Love is all that matters in this world and loving someone is certainly not a sin. Sorry if that sounded preachy but I think a lot of people are angry at God because of mistakes that man has made. It's important to clarify that you shouldn't blame God for the ignorance of humans. Ok, just one last rant. Just like you don't want Christians judging you because you are gay, don't judge others just because they are Christian. Not all Christians want to condemn you.
On a completely different and final note, I think I might write a book someday. I have so many hilarious stories to share about my self discovery and coming out. Unfortunately, I think this blog is getting a little too long to tell them all :) I would be happy if my story helps at least one person be more comfortable with who they are. Good luck to everyone on their own journey in life. <3>
It started in middle school, about the time everyone's hormones go bat shit crazy. All of my best friends were obsessing over all the cute boys, so I went along with it. Peer pressure is a powerful thing, so I would convince myself I had a crush on a certain boy or another. I found it hard to reconcile the things I was saying to my friends ("Oh, Scott is so cute! I would love to make out with him!") to the things that were actually going on in my head. "Normal" popular teenage girls don't daydream about which of their friends they would kiss if they had to kiss a girl... They don't think about Angelina Jolie before they go to bed at night either.
The pressure that my friends were unknowingly placing upon me seemed like nothing, because I really didn't know what was going on. There are no gay people in the town I lived in growing up. And if there were any, they sure weren't out about it. It just wasn't an option for me at the time (ha... like I really had an option to "choose" my sexuality). Overall, I was very confused and felt nearly all the time that I just didn't quite fit in with my friends.
If that wasn't hard enough, reconciling my "feelings" with my religion was just out of the question. I grew up going to a Baptist church, and both of my parents are strong believers. I felt like every time I had a thought about a woman I was betraying God. That's a lot of pressure for a teenage girl to have. So, naturally, I repressed all of my feelings and became insanely homophobic. What else was I supposed to do? I dated a lot and became somewhat of a "serial dater." I would date a guy for a week and then discard him because I was bored. I didn't date ugly guys either. All sexy, jacked, and tan (in Snookie speak). What was wrong with me that I just couldn't stay interested in these great guys!?
Oh yeah... I was GAY! Finally in college the lightbulb hit me. It took me actually catching myself saying out loud, "Damn, that girl is hot." My mouth hit the ground in disbelief of what I had just said. Once I accepted to myself that I was attracted to women I did a little soul searching and learned a lot about who I really was. I was not the same girl that society had packaged into a box; I was my own unique individual with likes and attractions to things that maybe my best friends didn't like, but that was ok!
I don't really talk to the people I went to high school with anymore. I am open about my sexuality, which was definitely a shock to everyone in my town. I think I was the last person they expected to be gay. It's not that they have ostracized me, but more so that I have moved on from their narrow mindset. I know that some of them are supportive of my life style and some are not. Either way, I do not need their approval to live my life and be happy. I have an amazing group of friends now who love me for who I am. I did eventually come out to my parents, who took it pretty hard. They love me very much and are trying their best to deal with it. I give them a lot of credit and I think they are amazing. I am in a 3 year relationship with the most beautiful, amazing girl ever and someday we hope to get married. My parents actually really like my girlfriend and they are very sweet to her, although they don't exactly approve of our relationship. I am also in graduate school and being successful in my research.
I would also like to say that, although I lost my faith for awhile while trying to figure everything out, I have regained a relationship with God that is stronger than before. I realized that it was the radical religious people judging me, not my own God. He made me just the way that I am and He loves me and has blessed me in so many ways. It is so sad when I see people who condemn homosexuals in the name of God, when they clearly have it all ass backwards. They should be promoting love and acceptance, which is the entire theme of the Bible. It's unfair to take a few verses that were mistranslated and take them out of context. The Bible is in no way a weapon. I am not attempting to push my faith onto anyone, but if you're interested in my take on things, I believe that religion and faith are two completely separate things that are often confused. I do not affiliate with a religion, because I think that religion can also be used to condemn others. I do have faith and it is growing all the time. If by chance you happen to be in the same boat I was, where you could not reconcile your faith with your sexuality, I hope you take these words to heart because God is not condemning you. Love is all that matters in this world and loving someone is certainly not a sin. Sorry if that sounded preachy but I think a lot of people are angry at God because of mistakes that man has made. It's important to clarify that you shouldn't blame God for the ignorance of humans. Ok, just one last rant. Just like you don't want Christians judging you because you are gay, don't judge others just because they are Christian. Not all Christians want to condemn you.
On a completely different and final note, I think I might write a book someday. I have so many hilarious stories to share about my self discovery and coming out. Unfortunately, I think this blog is getting a little too long to tell them all :) I would be happy if my story helps at least one person be more comfortable with who they are. Good luck to everyone on their own journey in life. <3>
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