Sometimes I wish I had “I swear, I like girls!” tattooed on my forehead. Maybe then I would actually get asked out by a girl. Even when I go out to a gay bar or club the girls there assume I’m straight. I can’t begin to tell you how many times I’ve had to tell a fellow lesbian that I play for their team over a few drinks. I guess that has something to do with the fact that I usually go out with my two straight best friends, and the three of us look like a small crew of girls that decided to go dancing without having to deal with disrespectful guys. Or perhaps that we’ve left our boyfriends at home and are having a girls night. Either way, they’re straight but I’m not!
I didn’t always have this problem you see, it started after I graduated high school. I grew up in a very small, conservative town so I stayed deep inside the closet and had boyfriends all throughout high school (However, I wasn’t that great at faking straight because I’m still a gold star lesbian). After I graduated, though, with the support of one of my amazing best friends I came out and in the long run it made me MUCH happier with myself and with life in general.
With my new found happiness came a new found drive to take pride in my appearance and I upgraded my wardrobe with brighter colors, low cut tops, skirts, dresses, etc. It’s not that I didn’t care what I looked like before I came out, it’s just that I didn’t take the extra time to look ‘cute’ and/or ‘sexy’. When I was in the closet I was incredibly depressed and self-loathing and I pretty much just threw on a t-shirt and jeans and called it good. Now, on the other hand, I love rifling through my closet and trying on several different things until I find the perfect outfit for the moment. I guess the best way to describe it is when I came out after graduating high school, I found myself in more ways than one.
In a way it’s a curse and a blessing really, being gay but “looking” straight. It’s a blessing because I love meeting new people and challenging their views on what they expect a lesbian to look like. Usually when I tell them I’m gay they don’t believe me at first, but after they think about it for a few moments they laugh and say it makes sense. And usually then they’ll start asking me all of these questions about what it’s like to be gay, how I knew, what’s my type, and the list just goes on. I love having that conversation with people, because I feel like it’s something small I can do to help change people’s negative views towards homosexuality. I can show them that I’m no different than they are; I’m just a person trying to find love.
It’s a curse, however, because it’s hard for me to date girls. My first relationship with a girl lasted years, about 5 on and off (you know how it goes). The off parts being no longer than a month or two. Since then, I’ve dated one girl and it wasn’t for very long. That was partially due to obvious reasons, but it was also because between the two of them I had only been asked out by guys.
Throughout college I participated in a few of the LGBT events on campus, and I’ve even made a few friends with some of the people that work for the center at the university I attended. I never felt like I fit in completely though, because although I know what it feels like to be in a minority, I know it in a different way. I know that I’m gay, but it isn’t so obvious to others and therefore people project heterosexuality on me and treat me like I’m one of the majority. It’s a weird place to be in.
Now that I’m a college graduate and in that limbo stage between undergraduate and graduate studies I feel like my “straight” lesbianism is at its peak. It’s pride month and I’ve been wearing a rainbow bracelet on my wrist when I go out to gay and straight bars alike. The guys are still on the prowl buying me drinks and asking me when I’m free. Where are my ladies at? I'm afraid of needles and would rather not get that ink on my forehead.
- Not straight from California
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